Letting Go…..

It’s a scary feeling, when you can feel yourself letting go. Feel yourself slowly drifting away….. this feeling is familiar, I have been here before… The littlest things drive you mad, you start to lose attraction, start to really see things for what they are…. I remember this feeling. I remember it all to well.

Last time I was scared to let go, scared to be alone. This time is different, I think. I am okay being alone, matter of fact I prefer it these days. I need to do things for me, for once. Then once I am ready and the time is right, I might meet someone. All I know is that I need someone who I can rely on, lean on. Someone I can turn to and know that they will always comfort me. For now what I know is that I am not where I am meant to be nor want to be. The time is ticking for me to go home. This is not home.

Support is a huge thing in any relationship. If you can not lean on someone through tough times or when you just need a shoulder to cry on, then what’s the point. If they aren’t pushing you to be the best you can be then why are you sitting here? Why do we let ourselves be treated anything less than what we deserve? We know that what is going on is not right, yet we sit and we take it. Time after time. Well time is running out and its time to stand up.

At this point in my life, the point where I can start to look at building a future and a family. If my ovaries are not bursting to have your babies then why am I here? So what if it takes me a couple more years to have a family, I would much rather wait than have a child with someone I truly can not see myself with for the rest of my life. If there is anything I have learnt in my life, it is that babies can NOT fix a marriage, they can not and will not fix a relationship. The time will come. That time is not now.

I often look back and am amazed how things happen for a reason. At the time you don’t see it, it might be a terrible situation, but it may just be a blessing in disguise. Like the fact that I didn’t get married, that I decided to put it off. I am able to see this adventure as a learning curve and not a mistake. I now see everyone’s true colors, I know what is truly important, my family and a place I call home. I haven’t been able to call this place home yet. This leads back to the support issue.

You could not even label this as homesick, because there’s so much more to it all. Needless to say, as I sit here, emotions blazing, I know for certain this is not the place for me. I think about leaving, planning how I would leave more than I am excited to stay. That puts red flags up in my head because like I said, I have been here before. I know exactly what is happening, once I start to feel this way there is no turning back, I know where this is heading. All I have to do is act on this feeling….

If you’re still reading, thank you for listening. I needed to talk, to let this all out. I was seconds away from exploding……. Maybe this helped you, maybe you can relate. Whatever the case, thank you. Thank you for always supporting me.

All my love, always.

Ciara

 

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