A Letter You Will Never Receive

To the man I could never find in the boy you’ll always be,

I’ve found myself so enraged these last few… days….weeks…. however long it’s been I’ve lost track.

To get over it, I’ll write a letter that you will never receive and let go of your hold on me.

So here it goes….

Annoyed. That you couldn’t even pretend that this wasn’t what you secretly wanted. If it wasn’t, you would have tried harder. You would have fought for your supposedly fiancé. You would have stood up, manned up and done what it would have taken.

Furious, that in one measly message you didn’t fight for me. No effort, you accepted defeat.

Outraged at the fact that after all these years, you simply allowed me to walk away.

Offended. By the fact that you gave up, weeks, if not months before. You couldn’t find an ounce of respect to at least confront me or do the man-like thing and talk about something deeper than the weather.

Was the plan to push me so far away, so far down, that I had to make the decision to walk away?

Irritated. With myself. I always knew in the back of my mind that if the time came and I would finally muscle up and walk away, that you would not follow, you would not fight. I would go, you would stay. You proved my worst fear to be correct. I am beyond irritated that I allowed myself to invest time and effort into someone, something that would not do the same for me.

Resentful. You let me walk away. You let someone you apparently planned to marry, walk away. This is something I have a hard time getting over, this is what sometimes keeps me up at night, but not for much longer.

Perhaps next time you think it would be a good idea to propose the idea of marriage to someone, you first learn what marriage means. Although you may have grown up around the idea that marriage is just a temporary thing, the opportunity to use someone and something that is to be taken lightly, this is not at all what marriage is.

With that being said, as I let all that bitterness go, I can feel a sense of calm rush over me. I am renewed.

We can not change people, Some will never change. Some take longer to grow than others. We must accept who they are. I will accept you, for you. Whether you accept me, for me is in your hands.

I forgive you, for letting me down and letting me go. I forgive you for taking away my worth, for ever making me small. For not being there in times where I may have needed you most. I forgive you for never making me feel like home was something I could find with you. For ever allowing me to doubt myself. For not building me up, but holding me back. I forgive you for all the lies and hurtful words. I forgive you, for the person you are and where you come from. I hope one day you can forgive you as well.

Laughter is no longer a stranger to me. I now truly laugh and am filled with joy on a regular basis. I am surrounded by people who genuinely love me. I smile when welcomed with open arms and “Welcome home”. I am reminded what home feels like. A house will never be a home with the wrong people. I will never let anyone take home away from me again. I picked myself up, dusted myself off and to my surprise no one came to me and said “I told you so”. That is how I know I am home with those around me.  So If you care to know, I laugh again, I am alive again, I am learning to love myself for who I am becoming. I don’t think you would recognize who I am these days and that is something I will forever be proud of.

Lastly, I would like to say Thank You. Thank you for making me find my inner strength, to get up and walk away. Thank you for pushing me to do somethings that scared me, like driving away and not once looking back. For showing me that it is beyond okay to call off getting married if you are not 100 percent sure, because it is better to be known as the girl who was once married (if that’s something they say) than the girl who married for all the wrong reasons and is divorced 6 months later. Thank you for remoulding my dreams, I never once thought I would be the woman who was almost married, no one ever dreams that growing up. But thank you for kicking me into reality.  Thank you for reminding me that actions do speak louder than words. While hearing those 3 words, “I Love You” are nice, it is far more important to feel unconditionally loved everyday rather than just to hear it. Thank you for raising my standards for the next time someone comes into my life.

Through all this, know that I wish you nothing but the best. I hope one day you find someone who makes you truly understand what it means to love someone. I pray you learn to love yourself and one day see all the potential you possess.

With all this, I let go of your hold on me. From now and moving forward I will no longer allow myself to become irritable at circumstances that are out of my control.

Signed by A free woman who is forever changed.

Ciara

 

 

 

 

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