Just a Sting

It cuts effortlessly like a knife…. That moment you are made well aware that they have moved on.

At first, tears filled my eyes. They did not fall, but they were there.

It will always hurt, that first time you see the person from your past with another. Your stomach sinks, all of you hurts. For me the pain was like a slap in the face. A jab in my healing heart. My anger comes at the fact that he failed me. He only fought with me but never for me. It’s something I am working so hard to heal, the pain of becoming a ghost. Tears flooded my eyes, not because I am sad he’s found someone but in the fact that he let me go so easily.

I laughed.

A man who has never had to commit to anything in his life, who doesn’t even know who he is as a person, a male that is not capable of loving someone until he learns to love himself. I laugh because I was naive too, I believed the sweet words he said to me, only to  have me lie with him. I remember how those sweet words faded, they became less and less present. I laugh because the sweet words turned to hateful words. I laugh because a boy who can not take care of himself can not be a man for someone else.

I am sad.

I am sad for him and for all those who can’t be alone. For those who jump from person to person in hopes of finding something they have to find within themselves first. I wish people would invest into themselves more. I wish people would realize that in order to love someone, you first must love yourself. I wish everyone knew the value and commitment of love. If only we could stop throwing that word around like its free for everyone to receive. This all makes me sad.

I am thankful.

I realized I am not fully healed. This obviously comes with time, I know that. I learned today that I still have a lot of work to do on my own self. The flood of emotions validated for me that the journey of self-love is not near over. I am stronger than I was, but not near as strong as I intend to be. Thankful that I have the support system I do, one that keeps me standing straight when I just want to fall. People to remind me how valuable and important I am when I doubt myself. I am thankful I am here today and not there. I am thankful for the ability to make decisions and learn from all these lessons life gives me.

Proud.

I smile because I am proud of myself. I didn’t lay in bed and cry, I didn’t allow petty information to ruin my day. I got out of bed and told myself that I am better off. No pity parties here. I am proud at the strength I possess, it always amazes me. I can recall hearing of an ex moving on and letting it completely ruin me. Not today. I am proud of myself for every decision I have made in this last year. Today I am proud, most importantly because I know one day I am going to be someone worth fighting for.

So here’s to you. May you one day find yourself, love yourself and one day treat your new love, who ever she may be, with the utmost respect that she deserves. I hope you learn to live a life you can love and look back on without regrets. I hope you make peace with yourself. I hope you find true happiness and the meaning of truly loving someone. I hope the day comes when you can actually stand up and fight for something worth fighting for.

Me, I am working on forgiving you. It gets easier every day. I always wanted to do more puzzles, I just never thought it would be one where I am putting my heart back together. Nonetheless, I am stronger today than I ever was. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you wouldn’t recognize the person I am these days and I am proud of that. One day, I will be worth fighting for. I hope one day you can say the same.

All the best,

Ciara

Becoming Someone Worth Fighting For

“Sooooooooo….. Are you seeing anyone??” They ask, you can see the wonder filling their eyes, a smirk caresses their face.

*Sigh* The dreaded question all single people receive. You politely smile, replying “No, not right now.” The smirk fades, they aren’t sure what to say now. And so the story goes.

Then it gets me thinking, somehow after say 4 months of being truly single (not counting being alone in a relationship), but officially single, am I supposed to be ready to invest feelings into someone else? After a relationship of so many years, after all the trauma and pain endured…. am I supposed to allow someone else in? Am I supposed to be worrying about finding someone to go on a date with? Am I supposed to “get out there” and “have fun”?

In case you’re stumped, the answer to all the above is NO.

What you are “supposed” to do, is find yourself. Rebuild after the storm. Invest in you. It is a daily battle and one hell of a climb. Don’t count the days, I don’t know how long I have been single, sure I could go back and figure it out, but I choose not too. I choose to continue moving forward. At no point is it “fun” to “get out there” and have your emotions played with by some male who isn’t looking for much more than a game.

No specific amount of days are going to make it all of a sudden “okay”.

I think the secret lies in the fact that we can’t go out and look for someone. After all, how are we to find the one we are looking for when we most likely have never met? Then the secret must be to let love find you. If it is meant to be, it will be.. right? To add to that, we can not just accept the first candidate that comes into our lives. In order to determine if this one has a fighting chance, we have to interview them. We are so good at our private investigating skills, we have to put these to good use. Ask questions that might scare them, ask about dreams, about goals, kids, marriage? Just ask it all. (Maybe not on the first date, but before you invest to many feelings into this candidate. You want to know if they are worth fighting for.) Maybe they’ll run off screaming, but that is okay too.  One day you will ask the questions, they’ll stay and they’ll ask for more. This is the result we want.

Today, I find solitude in being alone, in learning who I am as well as who I want to be.

Not a day goes by that I am not working on me. My past efforts have failed me and here I am back at square one. While the journey has not been easy, I have struggled and I still do. I would not change a single moment of struggle for anything, the journey is evolving me into the person I always hoped to be (even better).

How wonderful is it to be able to build and invest in yourself? Absolutely amazing. How cool is it to set new goals and be able to dream again? At this point in my life, it is not even a new chapter I am working on. It’s a whole damn book. The story of the girl is done. I’m working on the book of The Woman. The Dreamer. The Go-Getter. The Unshakable Tree.

Start working on those roots of yours, the roots that define who you are, what you stand for, believe in, fight for. There is no correct amount of time that should be spent on this. We don’t need to be out there “dating”, we don’t need someone in our lives for the sole purpose of not having an empty bed. You should one day allow someone into your life because you want them in it and are fully capable of loving them whole heartedly because you whole heartedly love yourself. Not because it is convenient or comfortable, or worse yet, because you are lonely.

Say it with me “I will not allow another boy dressed like a man to enter my life.”

Being single is a very important and crucial time in one’s life. Whether it’s spent smoking and drinking your face off or actually building and bettering yourself is another story. It is true that we aren’t “getting any younger”, but investing in ourselves is not something to be rushed or taken lightly.  It is scary to think about letting someone into your life one day, who will have the ability to break the heart you spent so much time and energy fixing. However, If we spend the time on ourselves now, truly grow and develop, we won’t allow just anyone in. When we finally deem someone as worthy, it will be right.

Become someone worth fighting for.

Know your self-worth. Stand out. Be “weird”. Be different. Grow yourself strong roots that can weather the worst of storms. Find and do what you love. Set goals. Dream. Don’t obsess over finding someone, let love find you.

One day, you’ll find someone worth fighting for, but will you be worth fighting for?

Enjoy the journey,

Ciara xoxo

 

 

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