Just a Sting

It cuts effortlessly like a knife…. That moment you are made well aware that they have moved on.

At first, tears filled my eyes. They did not fall, but they were there.

It will always hurt, that first time you see the person from your past with another. Your stomach sinks, all of you hurts. For me the pain was like a slap in the face. A jab in my healing heart. My anger comes at the fact that he failed me. He only fought with me but never for me. It’s something I am working so hard to heal, the pain of becoming a ghost. Tears flooded my eyes, not because I am sad he’s found someone but in the fact that he let me go so easily.

I laughed.

A man who has never had to commit to anything in his life, who doesn’t even know who he is as a person, a male that is not capable of loving someone until he learns to love himself. I laugh because I was naive too, I believed the sweet words he said to me, only to  have me lie with him. I remember how those sweet words faded, they became less and less present. I laugh because the sweet words turned to hateful words. I laugh because a boy who can not take care of himself can not be a man for someone else.

I am sad.

I am sad for him and for all those who can’t be alone. For those who jump from person to person in hopes of finding something they have to find within themselves first. I wish people would invest into themselves more. I wish people would realize that in order to love someone, you first must love yourself. I wish everyone knew the value and commitment of love. If only we could stop throwing that word around like its free for everyone to receive. This all makes me sad.

I am thankful.

I realized I am not fully healed. This obviously comes with time, I know that. I learned today that I still have a lot of work to do on my own self. The flood of emotions validated for me that the journey of self-love is not near over. I am stronger than I was, but not near as strong as I intend to be. Thankful that I have the support system I do, one that keeps me standing straight when I just want to fall. People to remind me how valuable and important I am when I doubt myself. I am thankful I am here today and not there. I am thankful for the ability to make decisions and learn from all these lessons life gives me.

Proud.

I smile because I am proud of myself. I didn’t lay in bed and cry, I didn’t allow petty information to ruin my day. I got out of bed and told myself that I am better off. No pity parties here. I am proud at the strength I possess, it always amazes me. I can recall hearing of an ex moving on and letting it completely ruin me. Not today. I am proud of myself for every decision I have made in this last year. Today I am proud, most importantly because I know one day I am going to be someone worth fighting for.

So here’s to you. May you one day find yourself, love yourself and one day treat your new love, who ever she may be, with the utmost respect that she deserves. I hope you learn to live a life you can love and look back on without regrets. I hope you make peace with yourself. I hope you find true happiness and the meaning of truly loving someone. I hope the day comes when you can actually stand up and fight for something worth fighting for.

Me, I am working on forgiving you. It gets easier every day. I always wanted to do more puzzles, I just never thought it would be one where I am putting my heart back together. Nonetheless, I am stronger today than I ever was. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you wouldn’t recognize the person I am these days and I am proud of that. One day, I will be worth fighting for. I hope one day you can say the same.

All the best,

Ciara

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