365 days ago.

I was pacing back and forth in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere, BC. Anticipating the world that I was about to turn upside down. Stomach in knots, clock ticking, anxiety rising…..

1 hour, I just had to survive one more hour, then I would be free. I would finally be in the arms of the people who love me unconditionally.

The last grain of sand had fallen, time was up. One last, quick and to the point conversation. The end.

I have never felt such a weight being lifted off my shoulders as I felt the moment that truck pulled into the drive. It was finally over. I rushed out the door and into the arms of my family. Tears fell as the emotional roller coaster finally came to an end.

As we crossed the bridge out of that small town, I said good-bye to the old me. What was left of her beaten down soul died that day. I looked over into the eyes of my loving sister and without a word being said, she let me know everything was going to be okay.

Rebirth

Sometimes we lose ourselves, forgetting what we deserve. We accept what is thrown at us, and we often lose sight of the fact that we have the power to change it all. Please remember, it is never to late to stand up for yourself and fight for what you deserve.

The days, weeks and months to follow leaving were filled with many lessons and the acceptance that things were not going to change, if I didn’t change. The person I was, brought me to where I was now standing. She needed to grow, find love for herself, and learn how to become someone she would want to spend the rest of her days with.

The romance books and novels had to go, they left me feeling empty and broken. They were replaced with self help books. Books that made me look at life from different views. How could I be better? How could I grow forward? How could I become the best version of me? How do I become the person I would want to fall in love with?

I found peace in being alone. I learnt to appreciate the silence and that it doesn’t have to be a scary place. I found myself somewhere between the empty bank of a river, a small town cafe and the wide open highway.

The sun doesn’t always shine when it comes to rebuilding yourself. There are moments that test you, moments when the reality of facing your own self becomes hard to handle. The hardest part is facing the person you’ve seen in the mirror all these years and telling her that she needs to let go of everything she thought she knew and had been living for the past years and develop a new way of thinking and living.

The battle is worth every moment and every struggle. I promise.

Alive

Everything happens for a reason. These days I am alive. Filled with so much love and appreciation for everything in life. It’s the little things that send my heart bursting these days.

365 days ago I told myself that I would not let another into my life until I was ready and until they proved they were worthy enough to hold my heart in their hands. Someone who would hold it, oh so gently and treat it like it was his own.

The power to manifest something is unbelievably amazing. It is fascinating how when you start to recognize what you want in life and in love, incredible things start to come into your life.

A wise individual recently told me “It’s a relationship, not a dictatorship.” Seldom words have ever rang so true. Something we should all take into realization and strive to achieve. A love that builds, encourages and understands, rather than trying to change and control the other person.

It is a terrifying feeling, letting someone in and knowing they’ll have the capability to break your heart. At the same time, what a beautiful phenomenon it is; meeting and getting to know the sides of someone that few have the pleasure of experiencing.

How magical is it to have days that are never long enough. The feeling that there could never be enough hours in the day to soak in all the beauty around you. To look into the eyes of another and feel your soul come alive. How enchanting to have a connection feel like it’s always been there.

Actions radiate and speak way louder than words ever could. I’d rather never hear the words “I Love You” again, but feel so completely and utterly loved, than to hear the words and feel nothing at all. You can’t tell someone you love them and then turn around to tell them how miserable they make you, and expect them to feel your love.

The Future

The path of self growth and self love is never really over. Some days are harder than others. I will take a hard day today over the misery I lived just 365 days ago, any day. I am thankful for the hard days because they force me to refocus, redirect and regroup.

Today, the sun is shining. Today I am alive and well. I have people in my life that make me strive to become the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Today I am happy and loved.

I hope you feel the same, if not, just please remember that it is NEVER to late, it’s NEVER been “too long” to make a change and start living your best life. I promise you will never regret putting yourself first.

Be your own hero, save yourself.

All my love, Always.

Ciara