Q: How would you describe your life currently?
A: These days? Well this might get a little cheesy…. but it’s going to be Gouda *wink wink* (hahahaha excuse my attempt at being punny) I feel as though I am finally walking in the right direction. I have learnt that life is so very precious, it must be treasured, each and every single day. I can honestly say that I am happier than I have EVER been. It is wildly refreshing. While my life is far from perfect…. it is beyond beautiful! I try my very best to cherish each day. To not beg Friday to be here before 9 am on Monday morning. I try to be a light in the lives of others, in hopes they find the light within themselves. Becoming grateful has changed my life in ways I wish everyone could feel. My current life….is amazing and I can’t believe I get to live this life every day!
Q: Wow! Powerful, I feel like there is so much more left for us to discover within that statement! How did this “change” that you imply, come to be?
A: Oh HONEY! We haven’t even scratched the surface! Grab some water (or the wine bottle) and take a seat! Lets go for a ride!
Looking back, I think the turning point for me was realizing that I was in a relationship that I didn’t feel fulfilled in. I felt sad all the time, tears stained my pillow case…. hell, I couldn’t tell you the last time I had laughed… and I mean truly laughed. Each day seemed so very dark. The sun would shine but I just could not find the light.
I sat back one day and looked at everything that was going on in my life. Almost like an out-of-body viewing. “How did I get here?” Where did the yellow brick road end and why am I standing in the middle of a dirt field with tears stained to my face? It dawned on me that at the mere age of 22 I could not go on this miserable. I could not allow myself to become a victim to my own decisions, for the rest of my life…. I haven’t even experienced all there is! Hell no! I knew right then and there that I had to make the necessary changes and I had to make them NOW.
The relationship I talk about here is the one between me and myself. While I was in a relationship at the time, It was me who was allowing my life to become what it had. It was my lack of self-confidence, my lack of self-respect and my lack of realization that I was not living my best life, I was not giving myself the life I deserved.
Q: It’s easy to talk about these decisions, but how did you put them into action?
A: Good Question, after all, actions speak louder than words! I made the decision to start living and doing things for myself, to stop worrying about trying to make the people around me happy, building up their towers, when my tower was crumbled on the ground, smoldering.
I took an interest in Tarot cards (the love runs in the family). I started to realize their power and the messages they could deliver. I started to see, little by little, the truth they could tell and I leaned on them for support. I will tell you this until I am blue in the face.. they are the reason I had the strength I did, to make some of my life changing decisions.
Now in order to rebuild my relationship with myself, I knew the negativity in my life had to find its way to the door. So, that is just what I started to do. As I started to revamp my life… doing the things I wanted to do… not putting up with anything less than what I knew I deserved… almost instantly the negativity started to disappear. Choices and paths to be taken started to make them selves evident.
I sat there, on the couch in a cabin that would never be home…. and as I started to feel myself resorting to my old way of thinking and feeling… I pulled out my Tarot cards. By this point I knew I could trust them. I asked them if what I was about to do was meant to be…. I pulled a card…YES they yelled….. another…YES….. “okay one more”..YES DO IT…”lets see what the next one says”…. and it was evident from the first card that I needed to RUN. I needed to stay strong… the universe had my back and I needed to proceed without looking back. I pulled 8 cards… hoping just one would jump out and say “Hey, actually, why don’t you just stay where you are and keep doing what you were doing before, stay miserable sweetie!!”. I know for a fact that the Universe was not taking a chance in making me think for one second I didn’t need to make a change. She knew that if She gave me one wrong card; one with just a little bit of false hope that staying where I was would lead to the change I needed, I would have believed it and without a doubt, today I would still be as miserable as I was back then.
Enough “witch” talk…. What I am getting at is that I found something that kept me going, kept pushing me and kept me believing that there was more to life than what I was living. That I could become this woman who would be beyond amazing and happier than she could ever dream of. My current way of living had got me where I was and I was not going to get any farther ahead staying the mindset I was in.
So to answer the question, how did I turn my words into action? I didn’t give myself the option NOT to. I was going to make a change in my life, no matter what it took. Sink or swim baby and I was already at the bottom, so the only way was up.
Q: What was it like? Giving in to yourself and attempting to change everything you had previously done and known?
A: It took some serious adjusting to, as any new start does. I was back in Alberta, jobless and I had absolutely no idea where my life was going to take me. I was literally flying by the seat of my pants. As the days passed, new ways of living became more obvious.
For example….. Driving home one night after a chic flick movie date with a girlfriend of mine, I realized through the tears pouring down my face (literally) that I could no longer watch these chick flicks that I had previously loved so much. Looking back I think my obsession in “chick flicks” was because I was in a relationship that made me feel nothing at all, so I was able to turn to these movies and in turn build a false hope or belief of what “love” should look like. I realized, that evening that I needed to rebuild my image of what “Love” is.
Love isn’t like anything you see in a movie, love is different to everyone. Everyone behaves differently in love, everyone shows their love differently. The next guy I would choose to give my heart to would be unique. Maybe he doesn’t like the typical “romantic” gestures. Maybe he doesn’t need to buy a dozen roses to say he loves me and maybe its just plain unrealistic to expect any man or woman to be absolutely “perfect”. I came to the realization that we are all imperfectly perfect and that is more than okay, in fact it’s perfect.
I changed what I filled my mind with and started feeding my soul with knowledge that would enhance my life. I stopped watching romantic, chick flicks. The ones that leave you feeling like your life will never be good enough. I stopped letting romantic books consume me. I upgraded. I traded these useless items for soul food. I became a regular in the self-help section of Indigo. I started reading books about how to become a better person. I decided that I was not going to find someone who would truly love me and satisfy me if I didn’t love myself. I had to become someone who I would want to fall in love with.
This is just one personal example of some of the changes that I needed to make. These changes are different for everyone. It depends what your poison is, if you can identify it…. you are one step farther. The journey, which isn’t even close to over, is taken day by day. Some days it is taken minute by minute. It is a constant battle of mind and heart. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit…. so that means it takes at least 21 days (give or take) to make a solid change in your life. It takes time, effort and a desire to change.
Q: How did you keep yourself going when the going got tough?
A: After all, I am only human. I am still a woman with feelings and a desire to be loved by someone I can call “Home”. While there were many great, empowering moments and days, there were also moments that tried to break me down. I chose to look at these moments as learning curves. Why was I feeling the way I was? I was angry and hurt about many things from my past. These moments validated the fact that I could not change the past. I could not change the way people acted and I could only choose to change and better myself. I chose to forgive those who weren’t necessarily sorry for their actions, but I forgave them, silently, for myself.
I always find it fascinating how the human brain works. How it can make you reminisce about all the “good” times and the bad times and the truth seems to disappear. I noticed this, I made a point to change my thought path when I found these thoughts creeping in. I had to quiet the devil on my Shoulder. It took some time, some sad moments, some angry thoughts and will power to rearrange my thinking. Slowly the devil on my shoulder started to talk a lot less. Next thing I knew it was days before he talked… weeks… that turned into months and eventually he packed up and left. (I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t already packed his things and slammed the door when he finally left.)
Q: What advice would you give to others?
A: Choose YOU. Some might think it is selfish, but at the end of the day, you will always go to bed with yourself, you have to listen to your thoughts all your life. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this; “You have to spend the most time in your head, why not make it a nice place to be?” RIGHT?! Choosing to become your own best friend is the best decision you will make, coming to the realization that you are beautiful, both inside and out, worth it, and capable of mind-blowing things is such a powerful way to live. Realizing that you don’t have to be an Instagram model to be considered beautiful or have all the “likes” on social media will change the way you see yourself. Falling in love with myself is one of the most thrilling, empowering falls I have had.
I still struggle with loving myself, I think it is a constant battle and I don’t think all these social media platforms help. I think they are crippling to society and the way we view ourselves. You can post a picture of something mediocre and get minimal feed back but throw some cleavage or a butt shot in there and watch the way people lose their minds, you might as well mail out complimentary Kleenex packages because you can literally see their drool. It’s sickening. I have had to step back from social media at times to find myself again. Social media is another topic for another time, but the point is, that we need to love ourselves. We can not compare ourselves to others. By coming to peace with ourselves, we can start to see all that we offer.
Q: Absolutely Beautiful, any closing thoughts?
A: Take a step back and evaluate your life. Are you giving yourself the best life you can? Are you living every day with passion, with love, with gratitude? Are you grateful for what you have or are you constantly dwelling on that which you don’t? Can you look yourself in the mirror, saying “I love you, I am proud of you, You are amazing”?
What is stopping you? If this life were over and you were evaluating everything with your Creator… would you say you lived a life of no regrets? Could you say that you gave it your best shot? Would you look down at your feet realizing that you wasted precious moments because you were to afraid of change?
We have one life to live, a life that has an unknown length of time. Do what makes you happy, truly happy. Just because you spent 1, 5, 10 or 30 years doing something and living the way you have been doesn’t mean it has to end that way. It is never to late, NEVER. Take charge of your own life and live each day with purpose. Realize that you were put on this earth for a reason, you were created for a reason. You were not created so that you can just coast on through this life being mediocre. Be amazing, be creative, be wild, be adventurous, love wholeheartedly, forgive yourself and forgive others for you, learn from every lesson, always grow forward and most importantly, be unapologetically YOU.
Thank You for reading, Thank You for always supporting. Thank You to those of you who reach out with comments, You don’t know how much they mean to me. If you have made it this far, I hope you enjoyed! This is something different than I have ever done! It was a lot of fun to create.
All my love, always.