Be Your Own Hero

365 days ago.

I was pacing back and forth in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere, BC. Anticipating the world that I was about to turn upside down. Stomach in knots, clock ticking, anxiety rising…..

1 hour, I just had to survive one more hour, then I would be free. I would finally be in the arms of the people who love me unconditionally.

The last grain of sand had fallen, time was up. One last, quick and to the point conversation. The end.

I have never felt such a weight being lifted off my shoulders as I felt the moment that truck pulled into the drive. It was finally over. I rushed out the door and into the arms of my family. Tears fell as the emotional roller coaster finally came to an end.

As we crossed the bridge out of that small town, I said good-bye to the old me. What was left of her beaten down soul died that day. I looked over into the eyes of my loving sister and without a word being said, she let me know everything was going to be okay.

Rebirth

Sometimes we lose ourselves, forgetting what we deserve. We accept what is thrown at us, and we often lose sight of the fact that we have the power to change it all. Please remember, it is never to late to stand up for yourself and fight for what you deserve.

The days, weeks and months to follow leaving were filled with many lessons and the acceptance that things were not going to change, if I didn’t change. The person I was, brought me to where I was now standing. She needed to grow, find love for herself, and learn how to become someone she would want to spend the rest of her days with.

The romance books and novels had to go, they left me feeling empty and broken. They were replaced with self help books. Books that made me look at life from different views. How could I be better? How could I grow forward? How could I become the best version of me? How do I become the person I would want to fall in love with?

I found peace in being alone. I learnt to appreciate the silence and that it doesn’t have to be a scary place. I found myself somewhere between the empty bank of a river, a small town cafe and the wide open highway.

The sun doesn’t always shine when it comes to rebuilding yourself. There are moments that test you, moments when the reality of facing your own self becomes hard to handle. The hardest part is facing the person you’ve seen in the mirror all these years and telling her that she needs to let go of everything she thought she knew and had been living for the past years and develop a new way of thinking and living.

The battle is worth every moment and every struggle. I promise.

Alive

Everything happens for a reason. These days I am alive. Filled with so much love and appreciation for everything in life. It’s the little things that send my heart bursting these days.

365 days ago I told myself that I would not let another into my life until I was ready and until they proved they were worthy enough to hold my heart in their hands. Someone who would hold it, oh so gently and treat it like it was his own.

The power to manifest something is unbelievably amazing. It is fascinating how when you start to recognize what you want in life and in love, incredible things start to come into your life.

A wise individual recently told me “It’s a relationship, not a dictatorship.” Seldom words have ever rang so true. Something we should all take into realization and strive to achieve. A love that builds, encourages and understands, rather than trying to change and control the other person.

It is a terrifying feeling, letting someone in and knowing they’ll have the capability to break your heart. At the same time, what a beautiful phenomenon it is; meeting and getting to know the sides of someone that few have the pleasure of experiencing.

How magical is it to have days that are never long enough. The feeling that there could never be enough hours in the day to soak in all the beauty around you. To look into the eyes of another and feel your soul come alive. How enchanting to have a connection feel like it’s always been there.

Actions radiate and speak way louder than words ever could. I’d rather never hear the words “I Love You” again, but feel so completely and utterly loved, than to hear the words and feel nothing at all. You can’t tell someone you love them and then turn around to tell them how miserable they make you, and expect them to feel your love.

The Future

The path of self growth and self love is never really over. Some days are harder than others. I will take a hard day today over the misery I lived just 365 days ago, any day. I am thankful for the hard days because they force me to refocus, redirect and regroup.

Today, the sun is shining. Today I am alive and well. I have people in my life that make me strive to become the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Today I am happy and loved.

I hope you feel the same, if not, just please remember that it is NEVER to late, it’s NEVER been “too long” to make a change and start living your best life. I promise you will never regret putting yourself first.

Be your own hero, save yourself.

All my love, Always.

Ciara

 

 

 

 

Just a Sting

It cuts effortlessly like a knife…. That moment you are made well aware that they have moved on.

At first, tears filled my eyes. They did not fall, but they were there.

It will always hurt, that first time you see the person from your past with another. Your stomach sinks, all of you hurts. For me the pain was like a slap in the face. A jab in my healing heart. My anger comes at the fact that he failed me. He only fought with me but never for me. It’s something I am working so hard to heal, the pain of becoming a ghost. Tears flooded my eyes, not because I am sad he’s found someone but in the fact that he let me go so easily.

I laughed.

A man who has never had to commit to anything in his life, who doesn’t even know who he is as a person, a male that is not capable of loving someone until he learns to love himself. I laugh because I was naive too, I believed the sweet words he said to me, only to  have me lie with him. I remember how those sweet words faded, they became less and less present. I laugh because the sweet words turned to hateful words. I laugh because a boy who can not take care of himself can not be a man for someone else.

I am sad.

I am sad for him and for all those who can’t be alone. For those who jump from person to person in hopes of finding something they have to find within themselves first. I wish people would invest into themselves more. I wish people would realize that in order to love someone, you first must love yourself. I wish everyone knew the value and commitment of love. If only we could stop throwing that word around like its free for everyone to receive. This all makes me sad.

I am thankful.

I realized I am not fully healed. This obviously comes with time, I know that. I learned today that I still have a lot of work to do on my own self. The flood of emotions validated for me that the journey of self-love is not near over. I am stronger than I was, but not near as strong as I intend to be. Thankful that I have the support system I do, one that keeps me standing straight when I just want to fall. People to remind me how valuable and important I am when I doubt myself. I am thankful I am here today and not there. I am thankful for the ability to make decisions and learn from all these lessons life gives me.

Proud.

I smile because I am proud of myself. I didn’t lay in bed and cry, I didn’t allow petty information to ruin my day. I got out of bed and told myself that I am better off. No pity parties here. I am proud at the strength I possess, it always amazes me. I can recall hearing of an ex moving on and letting it completely ruin me. Not today. I am proud of myself for every decision I have made in this last year. Today I am proud, most importantly because I know one day I am going to be someone worth fighting for.

So here’s to you. May you one day find yourself, love yourself and one day treat your new love, who ever she may be, with the utmost respect that she deserves. I hope you learn to live a life you can love and look back on without regrets. I hope you make peace with yourself. I hope you find true happiness and the meaning of truly loving someone. I hope the day comes when you can actually stand up and fight for something worth fighting for.

Me, I am working on forgiving you. It gets easier every day. I always wanted to do more puzzles, I just never thought it would be one where I am putting my heart back together. Nonetheless, I am stronger today than I ever was. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you wouldn’t recognize the person I am these days and I am proud of that. One day, I will be worth fighting for. I hope one day you can say the same.

All the best,

Ciara

Becoming Someone Worth Fighting For

“Sooooooooo….. Are you seeing anyone??” They ask, you can see the wonder filling their eyes, a smirk caresses their face.

*Sigh* The dreaded question all single people receive. You politely smile, replying “No, not right now.” The smirk fades, they aren’t sure what to say now. And so the story goes.

Then it gets me thinking, somehow after say 4 months of being truly single (not counting being alone in a relationship), but officially single, am I supposed to be ready to invest feelings into someone else? After a relationship of so many years, after all the trauma and pain endured…. am I supposed to allow someone else in? Am I supposed to be worrying about finding someone to go on a date with? Am I supposed to “get out there” and “have fun”?

In case you’re stumped, the answer to all the above is NO.

What you are “supposed” to do, is find yourself. Rebuild after the storm. Invest in you. It is a daily battle and one hell of a climb. Don’t count the days, I don’t know how long I have been single, sure I could go back and figure it out, but I choose not too. I choose to continue moving forward. At no point is it “fun” to “get out there” and have your emotions played with by some male who isn’t looking for much more than a game.

No specific amount of days are going to make it all of a sudden “okay”.

I think the secret lies in the fact that we can’t go out and look for someone. After all, how are we to find the one we are looking for when we most likely have never met? Then the secret must be to let love find you. If it is meant to be, it will be.. right? To add to that, we can not just accept the first candidate that comes into our lives. In order to determine if this one has a fighting chance, we have to interview them. We are so good at our private investigating skills, we have to put these to good use. Ask questions that might scare them, ask about dreams, about goals, kids, marriage? Just ask it all. (Maybe not on the first date, but before you invest to many feelings into this candidate. You want to know if they are worth fighting for.) Maybe they’ll run off screaming, but that is okay too.  One day you will ask the questions, they’ll stay and they’ll ask for more. This is the result we want.

Today, I find solitude in being alone, in learning who I am as well as who I want to be.

Not a day goes by that I am not working on me. My past efforts have failed me and here I am back at square one. While the journey has not been easy, I have struggled and I still do. I would not change a single moment of struggle for anything, the journey is evolving me into the person I always hoped to be (even better).

How wonderful is it to be able to build and invest in yourself? Absolutely amazing. How cool is it to set new goals and be able to dream again? At this point in my life, it is not even a new chapter I am working on. It’s a whole damn book. The story of the girl is done. I’m working on the book of The Woman. The Dreamer. The Go-Getter. The Unshakable Tree.

Start working on those roots of yours, the roots that define who you are, what you stand for, believe in, fight for. There is no correct amount of time that should be spent on this. We don’t need to be out there “dating”, we don’t need someone in our lives for the sole purpose of not having an empty bed. You should one day allow someone into your life because you want them in it and are fully capable of loving them whole heartedly because you whole heartedly love yourself. Not because it is convenient or comfortable, or worse yet, because you are lonely.

Say it with me “I will not allow another boy dressed like a man to enter my life.”

Being single is a very important and crucial time in one’s life. Whether it’s spent smoking and drinking your face off or actually building and bettering yourself is another story. It is true that we aren’t “getting any younger”, but investing in ourselves is not something to be rushed or taken lightly.  It is scary to think about letting someone into your life one day, who will have the ability to break the heart you spent so much time and energy fixing. However, If we spend the time on ourselves now, truly grow and develop, we won’t allow just anyone in. When we finally deem someone as worthy, it will be right.

Become someone worth fighting for.

Know your self-worth. Stand out. Be “weird”. Be different. Grow yourself strong roots that can weather the worst of storms. Find and do what you love. Set goals. Dream. Don’t obsess over finding someone, let love find you.

One day, you’ll find someone worth fighting for, but will you be worth fighting for?

Enjoy the journey,

Ciara xoxo

 

 

A Letter You Will Never Receive

To the man I could never find in the boy you’ll always be,

I’ve found myself so enraged these last few… days….weeks…. however long it’s been I’ve lost track.

To get over it, I’ll write a letter that you will never receive and let go of your hold on me.

So here it goes….

Annoyed. That you couldn’t even pretend that this wasn’t what you secretly wanted. If it wasn’t, you would have tried harder. You would have fought for your supposedly fiancé. You would have stood up, manned up and done what it would have taken.

Furious, that in one measly message you didn’t fight for me. No effort, you accepted defeat.

Outraged at the fact that after all these years, you simply allowed me to walk away.

Offended. By the fact that you gave up, weeks, if not months before. You couldn’t find an ounce of respect to at least confront me or do the man-like thing and talk about something deeper than the weather.

Was the plan to push me so far away, so far down, that I had to make the decision to walk away?

Irritated. With myself. I always knew in the back of my mind that if the time came and I would finally muscle up and walk away, that you would not follow, you would not fight. I would go, you would stay. You proved my worst fear to be correct. I am beyond irritated that I allowed myself to invest time and effort into someone, something that would not do the same for me.

Resentful. You let me walk away. You let someone you apparently planned to marry, walk away. This is something I have a hard time getting over, this is what sometimes keeps me up at night, but not for much longer.

Perhaps next time you think it would be a good idea to propose the idea of marriage to someone, you first learn what marriage means. Although you may have grown up around the idea that marriage is just a temporary thing, the opportunity to use someone and something that is to be taken lightly, this is not at all what marriage is.

With that being said, as I let all that bitterness go, I can feel a sense of calm rush over me. I am renewed.

We can not change people, Some will never change. Some take longer to grow than others. We must accept who they are. I will accept you, for you. Whether you accept me, for me is in your hands.

I forgive you, for letting me down and letting me go. I forgive you for taking away my worth, for ever making me small. For not being there in times where I may have needed you most. I forgive you for never making me feel like home was something I could find with you. For ever allowing me to doubt myself. For not building me up, but holding me back. I forgive you for all the lies and hurtful words. I forgive you, for the person you are and where you come from. I hope one day you can forgive you as well.

Laughter is no longer a stranger to me. I now truly laugh and am filled with joy on a regular basis. I am surrounded by people who genuinely love me. I smile when welcomed with open arms and “Welcome home”. I am reminded what home feels like. A house will never be a home with the wrong people. I will never let anyone take home away from me again. I picked myself up, dusted myself off and to my surprise no one came to me and said “I told you so”. That is how I know I am home with those around me.  So If you care to know, I laugh again, I am alive again, I am learning to love myself for who I am becoming. I don’t think you would recognize who I am these days and that is something I will forever be proud of.

Lastly, I would like to say Thank You. Thank you for making me find my inner strength, to get up and walk away. Thank you for pushing me to do somethings that scared me, like driving away and not once looking back. For showing me that it is beyond okay to call off getting married if you are not 100 percent sure, because it is better to be known as the girl who was once married (if that’s something they say) than the girl who married for all the wrong reasons and is divorced 6 months later. Thank you for remoulding my dreams, I never once thought I would be the woman who was almost married, no one ever dreams that growing up. But thank you for kicking me into reality.  Thank you for reminding me that actions do speak louder than words. While hearing those 3 words, “I Love You” are nice, it is far more important to feel unconditionally loved everyday rather than just to hear it. Thank you for raising my standards for the next time someone comes into my life.

Through all this, know that I wish you nothing but the best. I hope one day you find someone who makes you truly understand what it means to love someone. I pray you learn to love yourself and one day see all the potential you possess.

With all this, I let go of your hold on me. From now and moving forward I will no longer allow myself to become irritable at circumstances that are out of my control.

Signed by A free woman who is forever changed.

Ciara

 

 

 

 

How You Know It’s Over

One day it’s different. Maybe subconsciously you’ve always known this wouldn’t last forever. One day a switch is flipped, now you find yourself driving in your car or walking down the street just trying to figure out what your next move should be. One moment you think you’re so in love and next thing you know, you’re here…..

How do you know it’s over? How can you be sure that moving on is the best move?

When you come home from a long day at work and they no longer get up to greet you. It used to be nearly impossible to get through the day without them taking over your mind, now you find yourself having to actively remind yourself to talk to them at some point during the day. Your heart doesn’t race as you pull into the drive, excited to be in their arms. Excited to hear about their day. Instead, you pull in the drive, shut off the car and sit there for a moment. You finally drag yourself out of the car, up the stairs and pause, sighing before opening the door. It doesn’t matter how many times you say to them “Why don’t you get up when I come home anymore? You don’t even turn away from the tv. Hell you don’t even acknowledge my presence” Nothing has changed. You stop and think, just how long has this been going on? A couple of weeks…. a few months…..?

When their touch used to send bolts of electricity through your body and now you do your best to avoid contact. There is no more fire. Not even a small rush when their hand brushes yours. That warmth you felt when your skin touched has turned cold. There are no more cuddles as you watch your evening shows. Separate couches. Separate blankets. Separate bed times. One on the couch and the other in the bed.

When you are more roommates than lovers. *Please take note that when asked “Are we just roommates now?” in the heat of an argument, in a moment that could change the fate of your relationship, do not reply “Yes” unless you are okay with watching them walk out the front door and never looking back.* It doesn’t go unnoticed when you two begin to simply coexist, passing by each other, no talking, just doing your own separate tasks. Small talk and simple, meaningless conversations fill the empty, deafening silence. Both of you know what is slipping away, both of you know this will keep spiralling down hill unless something changes. At least I hope both people realize this, I hope one is not thinking that life is great, that the love is great and everyone is happy. No one in their right minds, no one in a ‘relationship’ should think this is okay. To coexist as roommates would.

When there are seldom “Good Mornings” followed by a simple touch on the arm and a kiss. Those moments when they used to turn to you, smile, kiss your forehead and the day would be started off on a positive, happy note. Now, the first words out of their mouth are sour, so bitter. Your thrown back and can’t remember when the last time you woke up happy. When was the last time you looked forward to seeing their face in the morning? Hell, when was the last time you looked forward to seeing them at all……? The future of this “relationship” is becoming clearer and clearer each day…

When the “little things” no longer happen. Yet it’s the smallest, simplest things that can save us. Like holding hands. The simple gesture that reminds the other that you are there. You are a team. They are your support, you can always lean on and turn to them when you need. Now it’s gone, it is all gone. Can you remember the last time they held your hand? Or the last time you reached to have their fingers fill the space between yours?

When you try and try again to talk to them. To try to get them to see how you are feeling, in hopes that something might change. If they want this as bad as you think someone “in love” should, they will try to do what it takes. Make a solid effort to make this work. Raised voices and hurtful words are all you hear in response. There is no remorse. No sympathy and no more love in their eyes. Who is this person, you don’t even recognize them anymore…When you can no longer talk to the person you thought you could tell the world to, what option do you have….? When you are no longer being listened to…. it becomes more evident that something needs to change.

When arguing becomes the norm. You used to rarely bicker and now that’s all you do. Everyone will argue. Every couple will bicker. But it should never cut the other down. The words “you make me miserable” or “I don’t even like being around you” should NEVER leave either of your mouths. Unless, again, you are ready to accept whatever consequences may come from such hate-filled statements. It’s moments like this that should make you realize that this is not what you deserve in life, it is never too late.

At some moment something needs to flip the switch. Sometimes, more often than not, it takes time for this to happen. It’s not something anyone wants to believe. No one goes into a relationship rooting for the end. Excited for the pain and the heartbreak that leads up to and follows the break. It’s after months of trying. Months of trying to talk and to change the inevitable outcome. With no prevail and constantly being cut down. When you’ve tried all you can, you know this can not go on for any longer. A relationship involves two parties. Two beings who need to put in work, time and effort to keep the love alive.  Without both sides doing their part, love fails.

It’s when we finally get to see someone’s true colours, when the rose-coloured glasses finally come off and we can now see. Love can blind us, but it can only blind us for so long until we finally see. It’s then that we find ourselves at these crossroads; we can stay, but only to realize that it still won’t change a thing, or we can choose ourselves and make the heart wrenching decision to leave and move on. As much as it will hurt, always choose you.

Always choose the decision that is best for you. You have been hurt enough. You have cried enough. Don’t ever be scared of hurting the others feelings in the end, always remember what lead you to this decision, why you even had to contemplate moving on in the first place. Always believe in yourself. Don’t let this negative person cut you down any further than they already have. See your true worth, chose the journey to self-love and learning to love yourself for who you truly are.

Trust and realize that everything truly happens for a reason, everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Whether that reason be a blessing or a lesson. Either way you are learning. You are becoming a stronger person with ever experience you have.

Always trust the process. Through the happy and the sad.

 

Signed by a woman learning to love herself again; know that you are never alone.

XX Ciara

The first rainfall since the day I left

I can feel all the hurt, the pain, the tears, all the heart-break, it washes away with the rain

This is where I begin again, I am clean

A New Normal

When the passion is no longer there, the loving looks have disappeared and you realize you are more roommates than lovers, that’s when you find the courage to end it. Fight for it if it is worth fighting for, but if things can not or will not change, then you take the next step. Once you reach this state of mind, the path to leaving is clear, you just need to plan your escape and follow through. It is never fun to hurt someones feelings, but you can not stay in a miserable situation for the rest of your life. once you leave, it is as though a weight is lifted off your shoulders and you are so proud of how strong you have become. You are free.

The mind is a very powerful thing. While you know you have ended this relationship because things were not fixable, you lay there at night and your mind resorts to the good times you shared or the thought of how the other party might be coping. For the first couple days, maybe even weeks, you will be at battle with your own mind. You will have to find the same strength you had the day you left, you will need to force yourself to think of other thoughts. Think of why you left, remind yourself that you were not in a good place, excite yourself for the things to come. When you feel sad to think of how sad they might be feeling, remember that they did not consider your feelings all the times they were hurting you. You need to stay in control.

Lonely. Sometimes you will fight him. Even when you feel content where you are, trying to make a fresh, new start. He will creep up. You have to remember you are not lonely. Not in a way that you need a new partner right now or need to try to reconnect with your ex partner. This time is for you. You need to reinvent yourself. Find yourself, and learn to love yourself again, unconditionally. This is the most important time to lean on friends and family for support. Even if maybe you lost contact with some friends over the months, maybe even years. Message them, call them. If they truly were your friends, they will be there for you. You are loved.

Surround yourself with good people. Don’t just hang out with someone for company, hang out with someone because you value them as a person. They make you want to be a better person, they encourage you to strive to succeed. This is a time for rebuilding yourself. You need to find that original strength and harvest it. Make yourself stronger. The next time you decide to let someone into your life, you won’t let them get away with the little things like before. You will be confident in yourself and know what kind of love you deserve, you will expect nothing less. You are strong.

A new normal. Now you’ll have to find what this means. It will be weird at first. Even if the relationship wasn’t loving, there was still somewhat of a routine. Now you need to forget all you know, it didn’t work the first time (or maybe even the second time). This is the time to reinvent what normal is to you. Do the things you love, work on yourself. Take a course, write a book, reconnect with old friends (Be wise with this choice, reconnect with those who are valuable to your life, not those who may lead you down the wrong path.) This new normal will help shape you, build you into the strong, respectable person you are capable of becoming. You are independent.

It does get easier. If you find yourself struggling, take it moment by moment, then day by day, week by week, month by month. Delete them off Facebook, delete or even block their number. Clear out all the pictures, don’t let there be anything in your sight that will try to tempt you. You need to do this for you. They had a chance and they blew it. When you find you have the urge to reach out to them, to just send them a quick “I miss you” or “How are you doing?”. DO NOT. Message a close friend instead, redirect your train of thought. Force yourself to think about something else. It will only be really hard at the beginning, then after a while, you will sit back and realize that you haven’t thought about said person in a day, a week, or a month! Every day you get a little stronger, you become a little more independent. You can succeed, you can build a future that you will truly enjoy and love. One where you will be valued, respected and loved, truly loved, unconditionally. You will have to put in work. It will not come without a conscious effort. You need to do this for you.

You are safe. You made the right choice. It can only go up from here. You need to believe in yourself. You deserve so much more. This is the start to forever. A start to finding who you are and all you can be. Embrace it.

Always here,

XX Ciara

 

 

 

 

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