Ciara – A Personal Interview

Q: How would you describe your life currently?

A: These days? Well this might get a little cheesy…. but it’s going to be Gouda *wink wink* (hahahaha excuse my attempt at being punny) I feel as though I am finally walking in the right direction. I have learnt that life is so very precious, it must be treasured, each and every single day. I can honestly say that I am happier than I have EVER been. It is wildly refreshing. While my life is far from perfect…. it is beyond beautiful! I try my very best to cherish each day. To not beg Friday to be here before 9 am on Monday morning. I try to be a light in the lives of others, in hopes they find the light within themselves. Becoming grateful has changed my life in ways I wish everyone could feel. My current life….is amazing and I can’t believe I get to live this life every day!

Q: Wow! Powerful, I feel like there is so much more left for us to discover within that statement! How did this “change” that you imply, come to be?

A: Oh HONEY! We haven’t even scratched the surface! Grab some water (or the wine bottle) and take a seat! Lets go for a ride!

Looking back, I think the turning point for me was realizing that I was in a relationship that I didn’t feel fulfilled in. I felt  sad all the time, tears stained my pillow case…. hell, I couldn’t tell you the last time I had laughed… and I mean truly laughed. Each day seemed so very dark. The sun would shine but I just could not find the light.

I sat back one day and looked at everything that was going on in my life. Almost like an out-of-body viewing. “How did I get here?” Where did the yellow brick road end and why am I standing in the middle of a dirt field with tears stained to my face? It dawned on me that at the mere age of 22 I could not go on this miserable. I could not allow myself to become a victim to my own decisions, for the rest of my life…. I haven’t even experienced all there is! Hell no! I knew right then and there that I had to make the necessary changes and I had to make them NOW.

The relationship I talk about here is the one between me and myself. While I was in a relationship at the time, It was me who was allowing my life to become what it had. It was my lack of self-confidence, my lack of self-respect and my lack of realization that I was not living my best life, I was not giving myself the life I deserved.

Q: It’s easy to talk about these decisions, but how did you put them into action?

A: Good Question, after all, actions speak louder than words! I made the decision to start living and doing things for myself, to stop worrying about trying to make the people around me happy, building up their towers, when my tower was crumbled on the ground, smoldering.

I took an interest in Tarot cards (the love runs in the family). I started to realize their power and the messages they could deliver. I started to see, little by little, the truth they could tell and I leaned on them for support. I will tell you this until I am blue in the face.. they are the reason I had the strength I did, to make some of my life changing decisions.

Now in order to rebuild my relationship with myself, I knew the negativity in my life had to find its way to the door. So, that is just what I started to do. As I started to revamp my life… doing the things I wanted to do… not putting up with anything less than what I knew I deserved… almost instantly the negativity started to disappear. Choices and paths to be taken started to make them selves evident.

I sat there, on the couch in a cabin that would never be home…. and as I started to feel myself resorting to my old way of thinking and feeling… I pulled out my Tarot cards. By this point I knew I could trust them. I asked them if what I was about to do was meant to be…. I pulled a card…YES they yelled….. another…YES….. “okay one more”..YES DO IT…”lets see what the next one says”…. and it was evident from the first card that I needed to RUN. I needed to stay strong… the universe had my back and I needed to proceed without looking back. I pulled 8 cards… hoping just one would jump out and say “Hey, actually, why don’t you just stay where you are and keep doing what you were doing before, stay miserable sweetie!!”. I know for a fact that the Universe was not taking a chance in making me think for one second I didn’t need to make a change. She knew that if She gave me one wrong card; one with just a little bit of false hope that staying where I was would lead to the change I needed, I would have believed it and without a doubt, today I would still be as miserable as I was back then.

Enough “witch” talk…. What I am getting at is that I found something that kept me going, kept pushing me and kept me believing that there was more to life than what I was living. That I could become this woman who would be beyond amazing and happier than she could ever dream of. My current way of living had got me where I was and I was not going to get any farther ahead staying the mindset I was in.

So to answer the question, how did I turn my words into action? I didn’t give myself the option NOT to. I was going to make a change in my life, no matter what it took. Sink or swim baby and I was already at the bottom, so the only way was up.

Q: What was it like? Giving in to yourself and attempting to change everything you had previously done and known?

A: It took some serious adjusting to, as any new start does. I was back in Alberta, jobless and I had absolutely no idea where my life was going to take me. I was literally flying by the seat of my pants. As the days passed, new ways of living became more obvious.

For example….. Driving home one night after a chic flick movie date with a girlfriend of mine, I realized through the tears pouring down my face (literally) that I could no longer watch these chick flicks that I had previously loved so much. Looking back I think my obsession in “chick flicks” was because I was in a relationship that made me feel nothing at all, so I was able to turn to these movies and in turn build a false hope or belief of what “love” should look like. I realized, that evening that I needed to rebuild my image of what “Love” is.

Love isn’t like anything you see in a movie, love is different to everyone. Everyone behaves differently in love, everyone shows their love differently. The next guy I would choose to give my heart to would be unique. Maybe he doesn’t like the typical “romantic” gestures. Maybe he doesn’t need to buy a dozen roses to say he loves me and maybe its just plain unrealistic to expect any man or woman to be absolutely “perfect”. I came to the realization that we are all imperfectly perfect and that is more than okay, in fact it’s perfect.

I changed what I filled my mind with and started feeding my soul with knowledge that would enhance my life. I stopped watching romantic, chick flicks. The ones that leave you feeling like your life will never be good enough. I stopped letting romantic books consume me. I upgraded. I traded these useless items for soul food. I became a regular in the self-help section of Indigo. I started reading books about how to become a better person. I decided that I was not going to find someone who would truly love me and satisfy me if I didn’t love myself. I had to become someone who I would want to fall in love with.

This is just one personal example of some of the changes that I needed to make. These changes are different for everyone. It depends what your poison is, if you can identify it…. you are one step farther. The journey, which isn’t even close to over, is taken day by day. Some days it is taken minute by minute. It is a constant battle of mind and heart. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit…. so that means it takes at least 21 days (give or take) to make a solid change in your life. It takes time, effort and a desire to change.

Q: How did you keep yourself going when the going got tough?

A: After all, I am only human. I am still a woman with feelings and a desire to be loved by someone I can call “Home”. While there were many great, empowering moments and days, there were also moments that tried to break me down. I chose to look at these moments as learning curves. Why was I feeling the way I was? I was angry and hurt about many things from my past. These moments validated the fact that I could not change the past. I could not change the way people acted and I could only choose to change and better myself. I chose to forgive those who weren’t necessarily sorry for their actions, but I forgave them, silently, for myself.

I always find it fascinating how the human brain works. How it can make you reminisce about all the “good” times and the bad times and the truth seems to disappear. I noticed this, I made a point to change my thought path when I found these thoughts creeping in. I had to quiet the devil on my Shoulder. It took some time, some sad moments, some angry thoughts and will power to rearrange my thinking. Slowly the devil on my shoulder started to talk a lot less. Next thing I knew it was days before he talked… weeks… that turned into months and eventually he packed up and left. (I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t already packed his things and slammed the door when he finally left.)

Q: What advice would you give to others?

A: Choose YOU. Some might think it is selfish, but at the end of the day, you will always go to bed with yourself, you have to listen to your thoughts all your life. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this; “You have to spend the most time in your head, why not make it a nice place to be?” RIGHT?! Choosing to become your own best friend is the best decision you will make, coming to the realization that you are beautiful, both inside and out, worth it, and capable of mind-blowing things is such a powerful way to live.  Realizing that you don’t have to be an Instagram model to be considered beautiful or have all the “likes” on social media will change the way you see yourself. Falling in love with myself is one of the most thrilling, empowering falls I have had.

I still struggle with loving myself, I think it is a constant battle and I don’t think all these social media platforms help. I think they are crippling to society and the way we view ourselves. You can post a picture of something mediocre and get minimal feed back but throw some cleavage or a butt shot in there and watch the way people lose their minds, you might as well mail out complimentary Kleenex packages because you can literally see their drool. It’s sickening.  I have had to step back from social media at times to find myself again. Social media is another topic for another time, but the point is, that we need to love ourselves. We can not compare ourselves to others. By coming to peace with ourselves, we can start to see all that we offer.

Q: Absolutely Beautiful, any closing thoughts?

A: Take a step back and evaluate your life. Are you giving yourself the best life you can? Are you living every day with passion, with love, with gratitude? Are you grateful for what you have or are you constantly dwelling on that which you don’t? Can you look yourself in the mirror, saying “I love you, I am proud of you, You are amazing”?

What is stopping you? If this life were over and you were evaluating everything with your Creator… would you say you lived a life of no regrets? Could you say that you gave it your best shot? Would you look down at your feet realizing that you wasted precious moments because you were to afraid of change?

We have one life to live, a life that has an unknown length of time. Do what makes you happy, truly happy. Just because you spent 1, 5, 10 or 30 years doing something and living the way you have been doesn’t mean it has to end that way. It is never to late, NEVER. Take charge of your own life and live each day with purpose. Realize that you were put on this earth for a reason, you were created for a reason. You were not created so that you can just coast on through this life being mediocre. Be amazing, be creative, be wild, be adventurous, love wholeheartedly, forgive yourself and forgive others for you, learn from every lesson, always grow forward and most importantly, be unapologetically YOU.

Thank you.

_______________

Thank You for reading, Thank You for always supporting. Thank You to those of you who reach out with comments, You don’t know how much they mean to me. If you have made it this far, I hope you enjoyed! This is something different than I have ever done! It was a lot of fun to create.

All my love, always.

Ciara

Happy Tuesday!

A little quote to get you thinking and thriving through the day!

How true; There are NO failures, just discoveries.

The mind is such a powerful tool. We, as humans, don’t even understand all that it is capable of. What we can confirm, is that having a positive, growth mindset can change your life. Don’t believe me? Stick around and try it for yourself.

Looking back at your past, you can choose to be ashamed at the way you may have acted, upset that people hurt you the way they did, and spend your time dwelling on things that you wish you knew back then.

OR

✔️You can choose to be present in the NOW.
✔️You can choose to look back at all those past “mistakes” and change your perception of them.
✔️You can be thankful that you were given that mountain to climb, after all it was through the journey that you learned the things you did.
✔️You can choose to forgive the people who hurt you. We are all human, we have all made mistakes and there is no need to dwell on things we can not change. You can realize that people change, people grow apart and not everyone that was in your past will be in your future. You can thank them, for teaching you. Teaching you how people shouldn’t treat others and how we SHOULD treat others. For showing you what kind of people you want to let into your life and which ones you should steer clear of.
✔️You can choose to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself because you are a better person today, you have grown and learned from everything that has happened to you, whether you realize it or not. (I hope you do)

Notice how all those points start with YOU CAN. You can choose to look at the glass half full rather than half empty. You can choose how you react to situations.

I hope you take the steps to let go, learn from and appreciate your past. I hope you can laugh at the silly things you did. I hope you can take everything you have learned, apply it to today and your future.

Be open to change and allow yourself to have a growth mindset. Recognize that there is always room for growth. Be the best version of yourself, everyday.

💞Ciara

da345395cd16fc8b006d19a2746ff740.jpg

Happy Friday All! What are you grateful for today? I want to hear!

Having a grateful mindset can change your life. Are you living your true, best life? Are you spending the majority of your time in a positive head space? You spend a lot of time in your head, why not make it a wonderful place to be?

How can you start living a life full of gratitude and pure happiness?

Play – make time for fun! Especially in times of mental stress or big decisions that need to be made.

Redefine your relationship with your past – the mistakes and the failures. Look back and recognize the lessons learned. Look for the gift in each situations. The biggest learning lessons in our lives didn’t come from textbooks, they come from mistakes and recognizing the opportunity to grow and learn.

Brighten up someone else’s day! Be a light for others, If you are looking for joy and positivity; be the source and pass it on to other. Watch the universe deliver it back, ten fold. “be the change you wish to see in the world”

 Rest – you are not a machine, take care of yourself! You can not take care of others if you do not take care of yourself. There is power in “alone” or “me” time. Harness this power and watch the magic flow.

 Celebrate small wins! Set goals, but also make sure there are small, achievable goals to keep you feel positive and full of motivation.

Get Outside! It is truly amazing the effect connecting with nature has on ones soul. Plant your bare feet on the grass and feel the connection. Feel the reset. Close your eyes and breathe in the fresh air. Listen to the birds chirping around you, the wind in the trees. Feel your body and soul relax.

Tune into your gratitude! Two people can look at a situation and have a completely different view of it. Look at each situation and find the good! Start each day by listing 3 things you are grateful for, big and small. This starts your day on a positive note. I have done this for the past year, when you are feeling down, or having a bad day, STOP. Stop what you are doing, close your eyes, take 3 deep breaths, now think of 3 things you are grateful for. So life has thrown you a lemon, you can either sit there and complain about getting a sour lemon, or you can take the lemon and make lemonade, lemon tarts, or lemon pie. The possibilities are endless when gratitude it recognized. It may sound silly, but give it a try and I PROMISE you will feel a shift in your life.

 Step away and let go of negativity. Be that a situation or a person. Release all that does not serve you. This is not being selfish, this is self-love and recognizing your worth. Choose you. Choose happiness. Life is to short to be anything but happy and to treat each day as anything less than a gift. Spend it doing what you love with whom you love.

 SMILE. The simple act will put you in a happier state. It will radiate to others, with a simple smile you are manifesting positivity into your life. Smile because you are amazing, you are here and there is SO much to be grateful for each day. You have never seen this day before, the possibilities are endless, how amazing is that?

Being positive is a choice. Choosing happiness can have a profound impact on your life, your relationship[s and in every aspect of you life.

Are you choosing to live a positive life? If not, if you are struggling, today is the day to make the change!

Be the person you wish the world was full of. Change starts with you!

All my love, always.

Ciara 💞

33341ef838f5f08de453ba620608d4e8

What if?

Is your “what if” holding you back?

A statement that is a result of fear.

Fear of what? Fear of striking out?

What’s the worst that could happen? Okay maybe you don’t succeed. By not succeeding, you have the ability to learn and to grow. What didn’t work out? Why didn’t things go as planned? Was it meant to be? What can be learned from this so that you can grow forward?

There is no “bad” side to taking chances. Life is all about taking chances, never let the fear of striking out keep you from living your best life every day.

Do what sets your soul on fire. Life is way to short and unpredictable to be spent living in the comfort zone.

Get out there, explore, take chances. Always be kind. Life isn’t always easy and your smile could change someones day, maybe even their life. Love with all your heart, everyday. When you find someone who deserves your heart, embrace it.

Live your best life, all your life.

What if its the best decision you could make? Don’t let your “what if”s hold you back.

🕊️

c3fd5a8cc2c67dc38e058db20fac4c12

Awakening

You know that feeling when everything is going so good, everything feels so right…. and you’re enjoying the ride… then you think, how can this continue? When is the wall going to come? the cliff? Now you’re on edge.

The universe delivered even more than I asked for. He is gold. Perhaps an angel sent to me.

You know that feeling when it doesn’t feel like real life? Like it’s all a wildly, beautiful dream? You find yourself in a constant euphoric trance. Like he just waltzed into your life, all knight in shining armour and your just thinking, this has to be too good to be true… wheres the rust? *Breaks out the magnifying glass*

He is all sunshine and love. A pure soul filled with light, given life by a heart of gold.

You know that feeling when you look into those big, golden eyes and it feels as though your heart might just stop? When they stare into yours and you can feel your soul ignite? Catching his stare, the one you’ve only ever dreamed of? I finally do.

I hope one day you can feel this way, if only for a moment. We all deserve to find someone who looks at us like we are the most beautiful creature to walk the earth and someone who makes us feel as though we can fly.

He is strong, the kind of strength that moves mountains, and if it can’t move it, he’ll help you get to the top. The kind of strength that runs through out every part of his being.

He is the trust I could never find in anyone else. The trust everyone broke. He came in, and has shown his undeniable commitment, from day one. He puts faith back in trust.

He is not just a “showroom model”, the kind where after a while, you notice it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. He is the real deal, through and through.

I could talk for days about how majestic this being is. How he has filled my days with light, and shown me how to believe again. How he came into my life and continues to show me that life is full of beauty, in ways I have never seen. I’ll tell you, the day he saved ants from drowning, my world was altered. I’ve always appreciated and basked in the beauty of the world, but he’s shown me a deeper beauty.

Yet I’m terrified.

Terrified one day I’ll wake up from this dream. The mind is a powerful, sometimes unruly tool. My fears are foolish, I know this as he re-assures me daily.  The journey of self-growth is never over, perhaps this is how I learn to let go of the past and realize the present is vastly different than anything I have ever experienced.

I try my best to quiet the what if’s. Why is it that we have such a hard time letting go of past hurt? When he is clearly picking up the pieces I thought were lost forever….. Writing this, I realize just how silly those what ifs are. I struggle to even write them, for the ridicule I’ll give myself is too much.

Today, I am done being terrified. For when someone comes along, allowing us to be 100% ourselves and enjoys every quirky moment…… There is no need to be terrified. Today I embrace, every single moment, as I have since he arrived. Releasing all the foolish thoughts and doubts from the past that cloud this perfect present.

He, in all his excellence, was worth every moment of the wait. He was worth the climb.

Thankful to my past, for leading me to where I am today, teaching me all you have. I release you and your hold on me.

Blessed for the present, it truly is a divine gift. I am cherishing all its glory. Here is true, undeniable happiness.

To the future, may you continue to be wildly authentic, full of light and unconditional love.

Here’s to you, here’s to me, Here’s to us.

xoxo

All my love.

 

Be Your Own Hero

365 days ago.

I was pacing back and forth in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere, BC. Anticipating the world that I was about to turn upside down. Stomach in knots, clock ticking, anxiety rising…..

1 hour, I just had to survive one more hour, then I would be free. I would finally be in the arms of the people who love me unconditionally.

The last grain of sand had fallen, time was up. One last, quick and to the point conversation. The end.

I have never felt such a weight being lifted off my shoulders as I felt the moment that truck pulled into the drive. It was finally over. I rushed out the door and into the arms of my family. Tears fell as the emotional roller coaster finally came to an end.

As we crossed the bridge out of that small town, I said good-bye to the old me. What was left of her beaten down soul died that day. I looked over into the eyes of my loving sister and without a word being said, she let me know everything was going to be okay.

Rebirth

Sometimes we lose ourselves, forgetting what we deserve. We accept what is thrown at us, and we often lose sight of the fact that we have the power to change it all. Please remember, it is never to late to stand up for yourself and fight for what you deserve.

The days, weeks and months to follow leaving were filled with many lessons and the acceptance that things were not going to change, if I didn’t change. The person I was, brought me to where I was now standing. She needed to grow, find love for herself, and learn how to become someone she would want to spend the rest of her days with.

The romance books and novels had to go, they left me feeling empty and broken. They were replaced with self help books. Books that made me look at life from different views. How could I be better? How could I grow forward? How could I become the best version of me? How do I become the person I would want to fall in love with?

I found peace in being alone. I learnt to appreciate the silence and that it doesn’t have to be a scary place. I found myself somewhere between the empty bank of a river, a small town cafe and the wide open highway.

The sun doesn’t always shine when it comes to rebuilding yourself. There are moments that test you, moments when the reality of facing your own self becomes hard to handle. The hardest part is facing the person you’ve seen in the mirror all these years and telling her that she needs to let go of everything she thought she knew and had been living for the past years and develop a new way of thinking and living.

The battle is worth every moment and every struggle. I promise.

Alive

Everything happens for a reason. These days I am alive. Filled with so much love and appreciation for everything in life. It’s the little things that send my heart bursting these days.

365 days ago I told myself that I would not let another into my life until I was ready and until they proved they were worthy enough to hold my heart in their hands. Someone who would hold it, oh so gently and treat it like it was his own.

The power to manifest something is unbelievably amazing. It is fascinating how when you start to recognize what you want in life and in love, incredible things start to come into your life.

A wise individual recently told me “It’s a relationship, not a dictatorship.” Seldom words have ever rang so true. Something we should all take into realization and strive to achieve. A love that builds, encourages and understands, rather than trying to change and control the other person.

It is a terrifying feeling, letting someone in and knowing they’ll have the capability to break your heart. At the same time, what a beautiful phenomenon it is; meeting and getting to know the sides of someone that few have the pleasure of experiencing.

How magical is it to have days that are never long enough. The feeling that there could never be enough hours in the day to soak in all the beauty around you. To look into the eyes of another and feel your soul come alive. How enchanting to have a connection feel like it’s always been there.

Actions radiate and speak way louder than words ever could. I’d rather never hear the words “I Love You” again, but feel so completely and utterly loved, than to hear the words and feel nothing at all. You can’t tell someone you love them and then turn around to tell them how miserable they make you, and expect them to feel your love.

The Future

The path of self growth and self love is never really over. Some days are harder than others. I will take a hard day today over the misery I lived just 365 days ago, any day. I am thankful for the hard days because they force me to refocus, redirect and regroup.

Today, the sun is shining. Today I am alive and well. I have people in my life that make me strive to become the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Today I am happy and loved.

I hope you feel the same, if not, just please remember that it is NEVER to late, it’s NEVER been “too long” to make a change and start living your best life. I promise you will never regret putting yourself first.

Be your own hero, save yourself.

All my love, Always.

Ciara

 

 

 

 

Just a Sting

It cuts effortlessly like a knife…. That moment you are made well aware that they have moved on.

At first, tears filled my eyes. They did not fall, but they were there.

It will always hurt, that first time you see the person from your past with another. Your stomach sinks, all of you hurts. For me the pain was like a slap in the face. A jab in my healing heart. My anger comes at the fact that he failed me. He only fought with me but never for me. It’s something I am working so hard to heal, the pain of becoming a ghost. Tears flooded my eyes, not because I am sad he’s found someone but in the fact that he let me go so easily.

I laughed.

A man who has never had to commit to anything in his life, who doesn’t even know who he is as a person, a male that is not capable of loving someone until he learns to love himself. I laugh because I was naive too, I believed the sweet words he said to me, only to  have me lie with him. I remember how those sweet words faded, they became less and less present. I laugh because the sweet words turned to hateful words. I laugh because a boy who can not take care of himself can not be a man for someone else.

I am sad.

I am sad for him and for all those who can’t be alone. For those who jump from person to person in hopes of finding something they have to find within themselves first. I wish people would invest into themselves more. I wish people would realize that in order to love someone, you first must love yourself. I wish everyone knew the value and commitment of love. If only we could stop throwing that word around like its free for everyone to receive. This all makes me sad.

I am thankful.

I realized I am not fully healed. This obviously comes with time, I know that. I learned today that I still have a lot of work to do on my own self. The flood of emotions validated for me that the journey of self-love is not near over. I am stronger than I was, but not near as strong as I intend to be. Thankful that I have the support system I do, one that keeps me standing straight when I just want to fall. People to remind me how valuable and important I am when I doubt myself. I am thankful I am here today and not there. I am thankful for the ability to make decisions and learn from all these lessons life gives me.

Proud.

I smile because I am proud of myself. I didn’t lay in bed and cry, I didn’t allow petty information to ruin my day. I got out of bed and told myself that I am better off. No pity parties here. I am proud at the strength I possess, it always amazes me. I can recall hearing of an ex moving on and letting it completely ruin me. Not today. I am proud of myself for every decision I have made in this last year. Today I am proud, most importantly because I know one day I am going to be someone worth fighting for.

So here’s to you. May you one day find yourself, love yourself and one day treat your new love, who ever she may be, with the utmost respect that she deserves. I hope you learn to live a life you can love and look back on without regrets. I hope you make peace with yourself. I hope you find true happiness and the meaning of truly loving someone. I hope the day comes when you can actually stand up and fight for something worth fighting for.

Me, I am working on forgiving you. It gets easier every day. I always wanted to do more puzzles, I just never thought it would be one where I am putting my heart back together. Nonetheless, I am stronger today than I ever was. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you wouldn’t recognize the person I am these days and I am proud of that. One day, I will be worth fighting for. I hope one day you can say the same.

All the best,

Ciara

Becoming Someone Worth Fighting For

“Sooooooooo….. Are you seeing anyone??” They ask, you can see the wonder filling their eyes, a smirk caresses their face.

*Sigh* The dreaded question all single people receive. You politely smile, replying “No, not right now.” The smirk fades, they aren’t sure what to say now. And so the story goes.

Then it gets me thinking, somehow after say 4 months of being truly single (not counting being alone in a relationship), but officially single, am I supposed to be ready to invest feelings into someone else? After a relationship of so many years, after all the trauma and pain endured…. am I supposed to allow someone else in? Am I supposed to be worrying about finding someone to go on a date with? Am I supposed to “get out there” and “have fun”?

In case you’re stumped, the answer to all the above is NO.

What you are “supposed” to do, is find yourself. Rebuild after the storm. Invest in you. It is a daily battle and one hell of a climb. Don’t count the days, I don’t know how long I have been single, sure I could go back and figure it out, but I choose not too. I choose to continue moving forward. At no point is it “fun” to “get out there” and have your emotions played with by some male who isn’t looking for much more than a game.

No specific amount of days are going to make it all of a sudden “okay”.

I think the secret lies in the fact that we can’t go out and look for someone. After all, how are we to find the one we are looking for when we most likely have never met? Then the secret must be to let love find you. If it is meant to be, it will be.. right? To add to that, we can not just accept the first candidate that comes into our lives. In order to determine if this one has a fighting chance, we have to interview them. We are so good at our private investigating skills, we have to put these to good use. Ask questions that might scare them, ask about dreams, about goals, kids, marriage? Just ask it all. (Maybe not on the first date, but before you invest to many feelings into this candidate. You want to know if they are worth fighting for.) Maybe they’ll run off screaming, but that is okay too.  One day you will ask the questions, they’ll stay and they’ll ask for more. This is the result we want.

Today, I find solitude in being alone, in learning who I am as well as who I want to be.

Not a day goes by that I am not working on me. My past efforts have failed me and here I am back at square one. While the journey has not been easy, I have struggled and I still do. I would not change a single moment of struggle for anything, the journey is evolving me into the person I always hoped to be (even better).

How wonderful is it to be able to build and invest in yourself? Absolutely amazing. How cool is it to set new goals and be able to dream again? At this point in my life, it is not even a new chapter I am working on. It’s a whole damn book. The story of the girl is done. I’m working on the book of The Woman. The Dreamer. The Go-Getter. The Unshakable Tree.

Start working on those roots of yours, the roots that define who you are, what you stand for, believe in, fight for. There is no correct amount of time that should be spent on this. We don’t need to be out there “dating”, we don’t need someone in our lives for the sole purpose of not having an empty bed. You should one day allow someone into your life because you want them in it and are fully capable of loving them whole heartedly because you whole heartedly love yourself. Not because it is convenient or comfortable, or worse yet, because you are lonely.

Say it with me “I will not allow another boy dressed like a man to enter my life.”

Being single is a very important and crucial time in one’s life. Whether it’s spent smoking and drinking your face off or actually building and bettering yourself is another story. It is true that we aren’t “getting any younger”, but investing in ourselves is not something to be rushed or taken lightly.  It is scary to think about letting someone into your life one day, who will have the ability to break the heart you spent so much time and energy fixing. However, If we spend the time on ourselves now, truly grow and develop, we won’t allow just anyone in. When we finally deem someone as worthy, it will be right.

Become someone worth fighting for.

Know your self-worth. Stand out. Be “weird”. Be different. Grow yourself strong roots that can weather the worst of storms. Find and do what you love. Set goals. Dream. Don’t obsess over finding someone, let love find you.

One day, you’ll find someone worth fighting for, but will you be worth fighting for?

Enjoy the journey,

Ciara xoxo

 

 

A Letter You Will Never Receive

To the man I could never find in the boy you’ll always be,

I’ve found myself so enraged these last few… days….weeks…. however long it’s been I’ve lost track.

To get over it, I’ll write a letter that you will never receive and let go of your hold on me.

So here it goes….

Annoyed. That you couldn’t even pretend that this wasn’t what you secretly wanted. If it wasn’t, you would have tried harder. You would have fought for your supposedly fiancé. You would have stood up, manned up and done what it would have taken.

Furious, that in one measly message you didn’t fight for me. No effort, you accepted defeat.

Outraged at the fact that after all these years, you simply allowed me to walk away.

Offended. By the fact that you gave up, weeks, if not months before. You couldn’t find an ounce of respect to at least confront me or do the man-like thing and talk about something deeper than the weather.

Was the plan to push me so far away, so far down, that I had to make the decision to walk away?

Irritated. With myself. I always knew in the back of my mind that if the time came and I would finally muscle up and walk away, that you would not follow, you would not fight. I would go, you would stay. You proved my worst fear to be correct. I am beyond irritated that I allowed myself to invest time and effort into someone, something that would not do the same for me.

Resentful. You let me walk away. You let someone you apparently planned to marry, walk away. This is something I have a hard time getting over, this is what sometimes keeps me up at night, but not for much longer.

Perhaps next time you think it would be a good idea to propose the idea of marriage to someone, you first learn what marriage means. Although you may have grown up around the idea that marriage is just a temporary thing, the opportunity to use someone and something that is to be taken lightly, this is not at all what marriage is.

With that being said, as I let all that bitterness go, I can feel a sense of calm rush over me. I am renewed.

We can not change people, Some will never change. Some take longer to grow than others. We must accept who they are. I will accept you, for you. Whether you accept me, for me is in your hands.

I forgive you, for letting me down and letting me go. I forgive you for taking away my worth, for ever making me small. For not being there in times where I may have needed you most. I forgive you for never making me feel like home was something I could find with you. For ever allowing me to doubt myself. For not building me up, but holding me back. I forgive you for all the lies and hurtful words. I forgive you, for the person you are and where you come from. I hope one day you can forgive you as well.

Laughter is no longer a stranger to me. I now truly laugh and am filled with joy on a regular basis. I am surrounded by people who genuinely love me. I smile when welcomed with open arms and “Welcome home”. I am reminded what home feels like. A house will never be a home with the wrong people. I will never let anyone take home away from me again. I picked myself up, dusted myself off and to my surprise no one came to me and said “I told you so”. That is how I know I am home with those around me.  So If you care to know, I laugh again, I am alive again, I am learning to love myself for who I am becoming. I don’t think you would recognize who I am these days and that is something I will forever be proud of.

Lastly, I would like to say Thank You. Thank you for making me find my inner strength, to get up and walk away. Thank you for pushing me to do somethings that scared me, like driving away and not once looking back. For showing me that it is beyond okay to call off getting married if you are not 100 percent sure, because it is better to be known as the girl who was once married (if that’s something they say) than the girl who married for all the wrong reasons and is divorced 6 months later. Thank you for remoulding my dreams, I never once thought I would be the woman who was almost married, no one ever dreams that growing up. But thank you for kicking me into reality.  Thank you for reminding me that actions do speak louder than words. While hearing those 3 words, “I Love You” are nice, it is far more important to feel unconditionally loved everyday rather than just to hear it. Thank you for raising my standards for the next time someone comes into my life.

Through all this, know that I wish you nothing but the best. I hope one day you find someone who makes you truly understand what it means to love someone. I pray you learn to love yourself and one day see all the potential you possess.

With all this, I let go of your hold on me. From now and moving forward I will no longer allow myself to become irritable at circumstances that are out of my control.

Signed by A free woman who is forever changed.

Ciara

 

 

 

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑